Sherry Love. net

family

A mother’s story:

I have a 22-year-old daughter who is currently a student. Since she went to college, she always wanted to study in Asia. She planned to go to Japan in the next 2 years. She has been studying Japanese with a Japanese teacher for a year now.

He is about 4 years older than my daughter. He has graduated 2 colleges with a master in Business. He taught Japanese in our community college. There are about 15 students in the class but it seemed that he has paid more attention to my daughter. My daughter is quite gullible; I feared that something bad may happen.

After studying for 6 months, my daughter told me that he expressed his feelings for her. My daughter even invited him to meet us. My husband and I were a little surprised and a bit shock. When he left, I talked to my daughter. She seemed happy when talking about her teacher. I am afraid that she can’t find happiness in a mixed-race relationship.

Fear of a mother in her daughter’s mixed race marriage

I have heard unhappy endings about mixed-raced marriage due to major differences in culture and ways of thinking. I have feared that my daughter would end up the same.

I tried to tell my daughter to focus on her schoolwork before throwing herself into romance. My purpose was to buy some time to find out who this Japanese man was and how he was like.

I dug up some information about him through her friends and other teacher in the college. Here is what I found out. His parents moved to America 20 years ago. They both first worked in a factory. 8 years later, they opened up a small .99$ store. Meanwhile, he finished high school and went to a state college for his bachelor degree. He then obtained his master in a college out of state. He has 2 younger sisters who are both in college. He has been volunteering for many communities’ activities. Teaching Japanese is one of them.

I am not sure if the info is accurate but that was all I could get.

Happiness in a mixed race relationship?

4 months ago, he came to visit my family again. This time, he asked us to give him permission to become my daughter’s boyfriend. We didn’t agree, neither object. He was very friendly and polite so we treated him the same way. Personally, I thought that meeting went quite well.

Since then, my daughter continues to focus on her education. I asked my daughter if he tries to do anything else. She said he didn’t change. He just told her to try to get a degree so she would have a better future. He has helped her with the study-abroad application, interview, and financial aid. He even took care of her health and dieting habit.

It has been a year; my daughter seems happier and healthier since she met him. They still continue their relationship like before. I am a bit confused about what I should feel about him. A part of me thinks that he may make a good husband. But the other part of me fears that major cultural differences may destroy my daughter’s happiness in the long-term.

********************

Sherry Love’s corner:

First of all, your fear is reasonable. There are many mixed-race marriages that ended up in bitter divorces due to cultural differences. However, these unhappy endings often happen to couples who have rushed into marriages without getting to know each other well.

Relationship romance does exist in mixed race couples

But there are also many more mixed-race couples who live happily despite original or cultural differences. These people often were aware of the barriers and obstacles in a mixed-race relationship before getting married. They knew what they had to overcome to make the relationship work. More importantly, they must learn to compromise to resolve their differences.

You and your husband were very tactful in your daughter’s affair by discussing things privately with her and being polite with the Japanese man. By doing this, you have achieved 2 things: to protect your daughter and to not chase a potential good man away.

It was a wise move to tell your daughter to focus on school before involving in love to buy some time for you to investigate this man further. You have achieved 3 things:

1. Encourage her to continue her education
2. Get some time to get to know the man
3. Not expressively say that you object her relationship

Number 3 is very important. Most parents know that most children especially like to do whatever their parents object. Because you didn’t expressively object her relationship, she wasn’t tempted to speed it up.

Resolve mixed race issues

According to what you have found out about this young man (given that they are quite accurate), he seems:

1. To love his family
2. To have ambitions and think about future
3. To have patience to wait for your permission
4. To think about your daughter’s future by telling her to finish school
5. To respect your family’s request not to speed up the relationship
6. To genuinely care about your daughter’s health and well-being
7. To be quite generous to involve in so much charity work

So generally, he has made quite an impression. He didn’t boast these things to you but you have learned them from other people. That is a good sign. People don’t usually say good things about someone else unless one of 2 things happens: he is either a very good actor or he is a genuinely a good man. At this point in time, you probably feel good about him. So you are about 75% sure that all the things people said about him is true.

There are many men just want to fool around with young girls. Once they get what they want, they would abandon these girls right away. However, this young man is quite patient in developing a relationship with your daughter. Would it be possible that he may be in for a long-term relationship rather than a fling like you fear?

Mixed race couples have relationship problems just like any other couples

Now isn’t the time to decide if you should let your daughter involves with him or not. It seems that your daughter already has developed some feelings for this young man. It’s wise that you should let them get to know each other better. Let time finds out if their love can overcome their differences. They seem to be mature adults, may be it’s best that you let them make their own decision.

photo credit: smayi

photo credit: Fire Engine Red