Sisterhood destruction.

I remember when my parents told me that I was going to have a sister, I was a little shocked.  Most of my friends have at least a younger brother or sister. They said it wasn’t fun at all.  I would be replaced once the baby is born. It took me a few days to get used to the fact that I would have a little sister.

I was ten the. I witnessed the entire pregnancy since my sister was just 1 month fetus. First I didn’t want to believe that there was an actual human inside of my mother. My mother kept telling me to touch her belly to see if the baby is moving. I was hesitant at first but I did it anyway out of curiosity.

I heard some kind of noise inside her stomach. It was probably my mother’s heart beating or stomach churning but I made myself to believe that my little sister was trying to communicate with me.

When my mother was about 6 months pregnant, she told me that she felt a kick. I was actually happy. I waited for 4 hours to see if the baby would kick again. I attached my head to my mother’s stomach and waited. My sister finally kicked. It was just a nice sound but at that time, I accepted that I would have a baby sister and I would love her. I no longer care about being replaced. I was looking forward to hold the baby, to play with her.

Then she was born. I was so worried that day. Good thing that it was in the summer, so I didn’t have any work or tests to worry about. If I did, I definitely failed. No doubt about it.

I was at home waiting for my father to call to tell me that my mother and my little sister were okay. The phone finally rang. They were safe and sound. I immediately asked my aunt if I could come and see them. She drove like a maniac.

I rushed to the receptionists to find out where my mother’s room was. I ran even before the nurse told me the room number. I already knew it, by heart.

When I was at the door, my mother was sitting on the bed, talking to my father. Next to her was a crib. Inside was my baby sister. My sister was sleeping. Her skin was pink. Her hands and feet were tiny. I never saw a baby like this before. I wanted to hold her but my father didn’t let me. I was young and clumsy so it was probably for the best.

So I stood there caressing her tiny figures. She moved her head a little bit and went back to sleep. She had a tiny white hat decorated with pink flowers.  I looked at her and I told myself that I would never yell at her.

After 3 days, she was brought home. She had her own bed and it could swing back and forth by itself. She mostly just lied there, asking for things using her eyes and hands. Sometimes when she was really hungry, she made some noise.

I was always afraid of dirty diabetes. I had Hollywood movies and my friends to thank for that. So I didn’t volunteer for that job at first. But I watched my parents did it. My sister always smiled when my parents put some baby powder on her buttocks. She probably felt ticklish. I liked it when my sister was happy. So I volunteered for the diaper assignment.

My sister began to grow.  When she began to walk, she kept calling my name. Everywhere she went, she kept asking for me. Sometimes when I came home late, I saw her waiting for me at the window. If I had homework to do and forgot to tuck her in, she wouldn’t sleep.

We weren’t like other sisters I knew. I never got jealous with my baby sister. All I wanted to do was to hug her and protect her. She was 10 years younger than I am. She was too small, too weak, and too young.

When she was 3 years old, she could understand stories. So I made a habit of telling her a story before she went to sleep. I made the story up as I went. I didn’t know I could spontaneously produce funny and interesting stories. But I did. And she liked them. I told her if she is good, I would tell her 2 or even 3 stories. She would have to choose if she wanted 1 long story or 2 short stories. She often chose the long ones. Sometimes she fell asleep in my arm before I finished the story.

When she was 6 years old, that was when I started college. It was a very stressful and busy time for me.  I was always tired when I got home. All I wanted to do was to relax and watch tv. But my sister always wanted to play with me. She would wait for me on the bed until I finished everything.  She was so sad. It broke my heart to see my baby sister like that.

Since I went to college, everything changed. I didn’t get out of school at a fixed time anymore. I had more stuffs to worry about. I often came home late because I had to do some work at the library. My baby sister always waited for me at home.

She wanted me to watch Spongbob Square Pants with her but I never could. I could barely keep my eyes open. I couldn’t even wake up the next morning for classes. So I spent less and less time playing with my sister.

The problem was we were too far apart. Ten years made a lot of difference. She began to play by herself. She talked to herself sometimes because there was no one for her to talk to. I was burying my head in mountains of midterms, quizzes, and projects.

Sometimes she talked to me, but my mind went blank. I didn’t hear a word she said. I was too tired. After a few times, she knew that I wasn’t really listening. So she stopped talking to me. I wanted to listen but my brain just shut down. When I saw her coming out of the room with a sad face, I felt so guilty.

Things began to get worse when I was 2 and 3rd year of college. There was more work and more stress. My sister was in 4th grade. She was a good girl. She knew that I was busy so she didn’t bother me too much. She only came to me when she needed help with the homework and had trouble at school. I tried to be there for her but I knew that I wasn’t there 100%.

Sometimes when things got so stressful and I couldn’t handle it anymore, I yelled at my sister for even little things. She cried many times. After many times like that, I felt really bad and guilty. She is my only sister and was 10 years younger than I was. She needed her big sister to protect and guide her but I kept yelling at her and drove her away.

When I was in a good mood, she sometimes told me that I became a different person when I was in college. She said I was so fun when I was in middle school and high school. I always had time for her and I never yelled. My heart sunk when I heard her saying that.

I did become a different person. I had so many responsibilities that I wanted to unload some of them to another person. Apparently that person has been my baby sister. I thought I wanted her to be independent but the truth was I wanted to skip my responsibilities with her. She was 10 years old.  She helped me with a lot of things. She was more helpful when she was 10 than when I was 14.

Sometime when I snapped at her, she would run to my parents and stayed with them. For a few hours, she would come to my room and tried to get in. She would slide papers under my doors with her drawings on it. She would draw her face with a frown and the word sorry. I couldn’t stay mad at my sister for so long. I always wanted to hug her. She was my baby sister. I knew her when she was just 1 month old fetus.

I didn’t realize it before but one of the main reasons I was mad at her was that she was too far apart from me.  She and I had different interests in TV shows, music, and activities.  The problem was although we have different interests, we always wanted to do things together. That means one of us had to compromise. In most of the cases, I was the one who gave in. I love to see her smile when I watch her tv shows or danced to her music. Part of me felt happy. The other part felt a little stressed. And this stress built up over time so I snapped at my sister when she wanted to do her own things at the wrong time.

If we were 1 or 2 years apart, then may be we would understand each other more. I tried to understand my sister but it was hard sometimes. My relationship with my sister was drifting apart because the age gap was too large. I never wanted this to happen. I realized that in a few more years when she would become a teenager, she probably wouldn’t need me any more if our relationship continues like this.

I knew I had to do something. I thought about my daily routine. I kept asking what I would remove from my routine so I could spend more time with my baby sister.  Then it hit me. I watched tv to make me relaxed. But it never did. It just made me restless and tired.  So on that day, I promised myself that I would play with my sister and listen to her story before turning on that TV.  It would be hard to change a habit but I had to try. I promised that I would protect her. How could I do that if I didn’t know a thing went on in her life? How could I know if I didn’t listen to her?

Things began to get better from then on.

photo credit: Paul Watson

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